Say This, Not That.... Teachable Moments

Over Memorial Day weekend, a 4 year old boy climbed over a barrier and fell into a gorilla exhibit.  Unless you have been off-grid, you have probably at least heard some of the details, and you have probably developed some (strong) opinions about the situation.

No matter what "side" you may favor, the bottom line is that this was a tragedy on many levels.  Yet, as horrific as this event may be, it certainly presents with the opportunity to discuss myriad topics with our children.

I think that sometimes it is easiest to broach difficult topics with our kids when situations, such as this one, present as "teachable moments."

In no way am I suggesting that this situation is pleasant to address.  However, I feel that depending on the age of a child, there are opportunities to express family values, as well as explore individual values.
Things like:

Boundaries... safety through following rules and directions.
Respect... for nature and for life.
Appreciation... for blessings and opportunities.
Empathy... for people facing difficult decisions.
Forgiveness... toward self and others.

The values that a family holds dear are often implied without being verbalized.  As children get older, and their worlds become more "complex," discussion (and, gasp- debate!) of values is an important part of helping kids connect with their own internal value system.

The incident at the Cincinnati Zoo sparked some passionate conversations with my teenage daughters.  It was amazing to hear their thoughts, feelings, and ideas about not only the incident, but also the public's reaction, particularly on social media.  (I openly admit- I am one of those people who simply loves to see how the adolescent brain processes things!)

So, we used a tragic situation as an opportunity to re-visit and re-affirm our values.  We decided to Say This, Not That...

Say This, Not That.... The Sound of Silence

Rarely am I at a loss for words. (For those who know me, this is NO surprise- lol!)  I am comfortable being with people during "uncomfortable" times, and work to stay present with them in what they are experiencing.

However, sometimes I am at a loss as to how to respond in a situation, or to a particular comment. For me, it's usually that an old (or current) wound has been triggered.  Sometimes there is an over-reaction (again, shocker, I know!).  As often as not, there is silence.

I truly feel that there are some people who will never be able to hear what I have to say. It's as if they are caught up in their own life stories.  These are typically the individuals who seem to be surrounded by "drama." These individuals typically lack the insight required to explore their own roles in relationships.  They may be unavailable emotionally, unable to manage their own unresolved issues.  For them, boundaries may be blurry, as it is difficult to discern where "self" ends, and "other" begins.

I've learned that sharing my "truth" is an important part of who I am.  It's a significant aspect of how I move through life.  When someone cannot hear whatever I have shared with love and kindness, their reaction is reflective of them, not me.  However, it's taken many hurtful experiences to come to a place of acceptance... and acceptance is an ongoing process!

When I "bless" someone with silence, it is a way of respecting their limitations, while still honoring myself.  So sometimes, instead of saying this, I simply say nothing.

Say This, Not That.... a health crisis!

Today marks 4 years since my mother-in-law's death.  It seems like it was a lifetime ago, but also seems like it was just yesterday.  Shortly before Christmas, she was diagnosed with late-stage lung cancer.  Sadly, my father-in-law had died unexpectedly, just 8 months before.

Getting a cancer diagnosis is a scary thing.  Most people feel understandably intimidated by the medical community, especially when they are feeling so vulnerable.

There were CT scans, blood work, PET scans, appointments with oncologists, surgeons, and pulmonary specialists.  It was a complex situation, and there were no clear answers.

So, after thought and deliberation, she decided to forgo treatment.  I remember the heartfelt conversations that we had, regarding her decision, and specifically, her fears.  Most of all, she wanted to be sure that our girls would always remember her.   

The trouble entered when she shared her decision with "outsiders."   I was appalled by the comments and challenges that people made to her.  "How dare you give up!  Seriously, you are going to quit just like that?!"

It only got more interesting when people added the "guilt" factor.  "How could you do that to your family?  They just lost their father/grandfather?"

This lack of support, from just a few people, set her into a cycle of questioning what was best for the REST of us, and not what was best for HER.

I realized that the topic of death and dying is a "trigger" for many people.  Their responses and reactions are based in their own insecurities and fears.  When someone shares a decision regarding their health, particularly in such a dire situation, they need to feel validated.  Yet, many people panic at the thought of a intentional decision regarding the end of life.  

I did my best to assure her that we would all miss her, but that we would be ok.  We had the life lessons she had shared with us, and more memories than we could ever fully recount. She moved forward with her initial decision.  Her illness was brief, but intense.  It was a mother-daughter (in-law) bonding experience that cannot be described.  I'm glad we had the opportunity to say all that we needed to say.  We embraced the chance to say this, not that...

Say This, Not That..... the art of texting

Last night, I received a brief text from someone I am friendly with, asking for contact information for a good friend of mine.  First, if you are going to text me after 10 pm, there really should be an emergency.  Next, if you are someone with whom I have not really had contact in several months, I expect a bit of acknowledgment regarding that very fact.

Nope.  Just a "How are you?  Can I have so-and-so's email address?"  

Maybe I am getting irritable in my old age- lol! Maybe I do not understand the "culture" of texting vs, calling. (Though, even with work, I do lots of texting.) When you are contacting someone, even by text, there needs to be an opening, the substance of the communication, and a closing.

A simple, "Hey.  I hope you and yours are surviving winter. Sorry to text so late.  I am in the middle of something, and thought that you may have information that I need.  If you could give that to me, I would appreciate it.  Hope you are enjoying the long weekend."

I fully acknowledge that my example may seem too wordy to be a "text."  If so, I guess that ultimately, some situations are better addressed with a phone call.

My reply was delayed until the morning.  It was a brief  "I'm good.  No, I don't have it."  (Truth be told, that type of response goes "against the grain" of my very being.)  

I am concerned that "communication" has become so instantaneous that we have forgotten about simple manners.  I often caution clients that texting in a fit of rage (or in a drunken stupor!), can result in immediate relief, but often brings longer-term complications. 

Technology has brought so much convenience to our lives.  However, there seems to be a level of comfort that comes with being able to communicate AT someone, and not WITH them, and texting certainly fits with this.

I think that it would be helpful if people could think of texting as making a brief, written "phone call."  A little warmth in a greeting, written or verbal, goes a long way.  

In the meantime, try saying this, not that...

Say This, Not That

Today was the day.  There was an incident that became the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back."  As a result, I am now venturing into writing a more specific blog series. I've talked about doing this, on and off, for over 3 years. Somehow, the unsolicited parenting advice that I received today has inspired me to finally just.do.it.

As a clinician (and as a person living in the real world), I am aware of some of the outrageous, insensitive, and thoughtless things that people say to others during times of vulnerability.  I am realizing that people often don't know what to say.  However, instead of acknowledging their lack of a response, they offer a stream of consciousness "ramble."

Very often, the unsolicited advice is harmless.  However, there are many times when this type of advice is hurtful.  I often remind clients that the insensitive feedback they may receive from strangers/family/friends/colleagues is more often reflective of those individuals and their own issues, and not the issue at hand.

So, today, I was sharing some of what we are dealing with in regard to a health issue for one of my daughters.  It was not a dramatic tale, and I certainly did not indicate that I was looking for any type of guidance in addressing this. However, without hesitation, an acquaintance urged me to "just ignore it."  I was a bit stunned, but managed to smile and tried to play off the intrusion.

Yet, this person could not let it go.  A short time later, this individual shared a personal parent-child interaction, and stated that the behavior/issue was "ignored."  Without missing a beat, this individual added, "just like you should do with your daughter."  

My retort was a quick, "I really think that I have the parenting piece of life under control, thank you." 

I acknowledge that I am a bit of a "mama bear" when it comes to my girls- LOL! I sat with this for a while, wondering why I felt "defensive."  Ultimately, I think that I felt blind-sided. I truly believe that this person's intention was to be "helpful." However, the dismissive attitude toward the nature of the struggle, as well as my experience, was hurtful.  Based on the comment, I know that the response was more reflective of this person's own insecurity in handling issues in the parent-child realm.

What would have been helpful?  Some validation.  A simple, "that sounds complex.  I hope it works out."  would have been an ideal response.  

So, I am now venturing into a new domain...a cross between Dear Abby and Miss Manners... to help people discover better ways to address the unsolicited "pearls of wisdom" that they receive, and hopefully, help people learn to "say this, not that!"

Holiday tradition...or holiday ritual?

At this time of year, there is a lot of discussion of holiday "traditions."  Some families do the same routines each year.  However, for families that are in transition, it often becomes necessary to create new traditions.  It can be difficult, for adults and children alike, to be flexible with this.   

Sometimes there may be a family member who would like to try something new, and other family members resist the change.  It can become a source of resentment and conflict.   This is where the difference between tradition and ritual may be pertinent.

Personally, I have always explained to our girls that although what we do for an individual holiday may vary from year to year, the emphasis on being together is a constant.  The focus shifts to what our family values, and allows for room to alter how those values are honored.

According to differencebetween.com: 

• Tradition is a generic term that encompasses a wide variety of things and concepts that are handed down by one generation to another.

• Ritual is an act or a series of acts that are performed or observed in a society on occasions, events, festivals, and ceremonies. These rituals have a symbolic value and also have a religious basis.

• So a handshake to greet others is a ritual, while the practice to honor and respect the seniors is a tradition.

However your holiday plans play out, I hope you enjoy time with those you hold near and dear.

Measuring the Pressure

Every family has one... at least one, sometimes two.  Every family has a "barometer."  

The family barometer is quite often a child... quite often a "difficult" child.  That is usually how I come to meet them.  They are the defiant kids, pushing every limit.  They are the withdrawn kids, hesitant to engage.  Either way, they are the kids that get pulled into therapy, with exasperated parents pleading for me to "fix" this.  

The barometer is typically someone who is sensitive, and in tune with the rhythm of the family.  While they inadvertently contribute to the stress in the family, they are simply reacting to the tension that is already there.

It can be a relief for the "problem child" to hear positive feedback about his or her behavior. I often praise them for bringing the tension in the home to the forefront, where it can finally be addressed.  Parents typically feel a sense of relief as well, as they shift their focus to the overall functioning of the family system, and the well-being of each family member.

When families are experiencing transition or stress, someone will undoubtedly react to the change. Even positive changes, such as the birth of a child or moving to a new home, can result in acting-out behavior. Most often, it is a temporary situation, and things shift back to "normal."  However, when the stress is chronic, the reaction becomes chronic as well.

Acknowledging the "benefit" of the problematic behavior does not immediately "resolve" it, but that re-frame is a great starting point!