Say This, Not That.... a health crisis!

Today marks 4 years since my mother-in-law's death.  It seems like it was a lifetime ago, but also seems like it was just yesterday.  Shortly before Christmas, she was diagnosed with late-stage lung cancer.  Sadly, my father-in-law had died unexpectedly, just 8 months before.

Getting a cancer diagnosis is a scary thing.  Most people feel understandably intimidated by the medical community, especially when they are feeling so vulnerable.

There were CT scans, blood work, PET scans, appointments with oncologists, surgeons, and pulmonary specialists.  It was a complex situation, and there were no clear answers.

So, after thought and deliberation, she decided to forgo treatment.  I remember the heartfelt conversations that we had, regarding her decision, and specifically, her fears.  Most of all, she wanted to be sure that our girls would always remember her.   

The trouble entered when she shared her decision with "outsiders."   I was appalled by the comments and challenges that people made to her.  "How dare you give up!  Seriously, you are going to quit just like that?!"

It only got more interesting when people added the "guilt" factor.  "How could you do that to your family?  They just lost their father/grandfather?"

This lack of support, from just a few people, set her into a cycle of questioning what was best for the REST of us, and not what was best for HER.

I realized that the topic of death and dying is a "trigger" for many people.  Their responses and reactions are based in their own insecurities and fears.  When someone shares a decision regarding their health, particularly in such a dire situation, they need to feel validated.  Yet, many people panic at the thought of a intentional decision regarding the end of life.  

I did my best to assure her that we would all miss her, but that we would be ok.  We had the life lessons she had shared with us, and more memories than we could ever fully recount. She moved forward with her initial decision.  Her illness was brief, but intense.  It was a mother-daughter (in-law) bonding experience that cannot be described.  I'm glad we had the opportunity to say all that we needed to say.  We embraced the chance to say this, not that...

Say This, Not That..... the art of texting

Last night, I received a brief text from someone I am friendly with, asking for contact information for a good friend of mine.  First, if you are going to text me after 10 pm, there really should be an emergency.  Next, if you are someone with whom I have not really had contact in several months, I expect a bit of acknowledgment regarding that very fact.

Nope.  Just a "How are you?  Can I have so-and-so's email address?"  

Maybe I am getting irritable in my old age- lol! Maybe I do not understand the "culture" of texting vs, calling. (Though, even with work, I do lots of texting.) When you are contacting someone, even by text, there needs to be an opening, the substance of the communication, and a closing.

A simple, "Hey.  I hope you and yours are surviving winter. Sorry to text so late.  I am in the middle of something, and thought that you may have information that I need.  If you could give that to me, I would appreciate it.  Hope you are enjoying the long weekend."

I fully acknowledge that my example may seem too wordy to be a "text."  If so, I guess that ultimately, some situations are better addressed with a phone call.

My reply was delayed until the morning.  It was a brief  "I'm good.  No, I don't have it."  (Truth be told, that type of response goes "against the grain" of my very being.)  

I am concerned that "communication" has become so instantaneous that we have forgotten about simple manners.  I often caution clients that texting in a fit of rage (or in a drunken stupor!), can result in immediate relief, but often brings longer-term complications. 

Technology has brought so much convenience to our lives.  However, there seems to be a level of comfort that comes with being able to communicate AT someone, and not WITH them, and texting certainly fits with this.

I think that it would be helpful if people could think of texting as making a brief, written "phone call."  A little warmth in a greeting, written or verbal, goes a long way.  

In the meantime, try saying this, not that...

Say This, Not That

Today was the day.  There was an incident that became the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back."  As a result, I am now venturing into writing a more specific blog series. I've talked about doing this, on and off, for over 3 years. Somehow, the unsolicited parenting advice that I received today has inspired me to finally just.do.it.

As a clinician (and as a person living in the real world), I am aware of some of the outrageous, insensitive, and thoughtless things that people say to others during times of vulnerability.  I am realizing that people often don't know what to say.  However, instead of acknowledging their lack of a response, they offer a stream of consciousness "ramble."

Very often, the unsolicited advice is harmless.  However, there are many times when this type of advice is hurtful.  I often remind clients that the insensitive feedback they may receive from strangers/family/friends/colleagues is more often reflective of those individuals and their own issues, and not the issue at hand.

So, today, I was sharing some of what we are dealing with in regard to a health issue for one of my daughters.  It was not a dramatic tale, and I certainly did not indicate that I was looking for any type of guidance in addressing this. However, without hesitation, an acquaintance urged me to "just ignore it."  I was a bit stunned, but managed to smile and tried to play off the intrusion.

Yet, this person could not let it go.  A short time later, this individual shared a personal parent-child interaction, and stated that the behavior/issue was "ignored."  Without missing a beat, this individual added, "just like you should do with your daughter."  

My retort was a quick, "I really think that I have the parenting piece of life under control, thank you." 

I acknowledge that I am a bit of a "mama bear" when it comes to my girls- LOL! I sat with this for a while, wondering why I felt "defensive."  Ultimately, I think that I felt blind-sided. I truly believe that this person's intention was to be "helpful." However, the dismissive attitude toward the nature of the struggle, as well as my experience, was hurtful.  Based on the comment, I know that the response was more reflective of this person's own insecurity in handling issues in the parent-child realm.

What would have been helpful?  Some validation.  A simple, "that sounds complex.  I hope it works out."  would have been an ideal response.  

So, I am now venturing into a new domain...a cross between Dear Abby and Miss Manners... to help people discover better ways to address the unsolicited "pearls of wisdom" that they receive, and hopefully, help people learn to "say this, not that!"

Holiday tradition...or holiday ritual?

At this time of year, there is a lot of discussion of holiday "traditions."  Some families do the same routines each year.  However, for families that are in transition, it often becomes necessary to create new traditions.  It can be difficult, for adults and children alike, to be flexible with this.   

Sometimes there may be a family member who would like to try something new, and other family members resist the change.  It can become a source of resentment and conflict.   This is where the difference between tradition and ritual may be pertinent.

Personally, I have always explained to our girls that although what we do for an individual holiday may vary from year to year, the emphasis on being together is a constant.  The focus shifts to what our family values, and allows for room to alter how those values are honored.

According to differencebetween.com: 

• Tradition is a generic term that encompasses a wide variety of things and concepts that are handed down by one generation to another.

• Ritual is an act or a series of acts that are performed or observed in a society on occasions, events, festivals, and ceremonies. These rituals have a symbolic value and also have a religious basis.

• So a handshake to greet others is a ritual, while the practice to honor and respect the seniors is a tradition.

However your holiday plans play out, I hope you enjoy time with those you hold near and dear.

Measuring the Pressure

Every family has one... at least one, sometimes two.  Every family has a "barometer."  

The family barometer is quite often a child... quite often a "difficult" child.  That is usually how I come to meet them.  They are the defiant kids, pushing every limit.  They are the withdrawn kids, hesitant to engage.  Either way, they are the kids that get pulled into therapy, with exasperated parents pleading for me to "fix" this.  

The barometer is typically someone who is sensitive, and in tune with the rhythm of the family.  While they inadvertently contribute to the stress in the family, they are simply reacting to the tension that is already there.

It can be a relief for the "problem child" to hear positive feedback about his or her behavior. I often praise them for bringing the tension in the home to the forefront, where it can finally be addressed.  Parents typically feel a sense of relief as well, as they shift their focus to the overall functioning of the family system, and the well-being of each family member.

When families are experiencing transition or stress, someone will undoubtedly react to the change. Even positive changes, such as the birth of a child or moving to a new home, can result in acting-out behavior. Most often, it is a temporary situation, and things shift back to "normal."  However, when the stress is chronic, the reaction becomes chronic as well.

Acknowledging the "benefit" of the problematic behavior does not immediately "resolve" it, but that re-frame is a great starting point!

The Power of Positivity

The power of positive thought is often debated.  Some equate positive thinking with "ignoring" the reality of situations.  Others view it as being similar to simply "hoping" for the best. Some people have a pessimistic mindset as they move through life.  They expect the worst from people, and expect bad things to happen. Oddly enough, their life experiences are typically consistent with this message. When something is wrong, these individuals are quick to complain, and are the first to point out flaws in any possible solution.  

Yet, people who utilize the power of positive thought typically feel that the benefits are clear. However, the benefit is something that is hard to describe.  It's difficult to "convince" someone that they should try looking for the positives in negative situations.  Yet, for people who are struggling through depression, the desperation of wanting to feel better is often a catalyst for them to try new things.  

I encourage my clients who are experiencing mood issues to try implementing a daily "positivity practice."   It is fairly simple, and can be done discreetly:

1.  In the morning, before getting out of bed, think of one thing that you are looking forward to for the day.

2.  At mid-day/lunch, think of one thing that has gone well so far for the day.  Ideally, this should be something that you were part of making happen.

3.  At bedtime, think of one thing for which you are grateful.  It can be a "global" thing, and does not need to be related to your day.

I believe that sometimes our brains can get "locked" in a negative pattern.  As a result, when we look at daily life, we see negative events and issues.  With training, we can increase our awareness of the positives that are also present.  Most clients who incorporate a positivity practice feel that it is beneficial, even if it is just in the short-term.

In the great scheme of things, there is nothing to lose by looking for the positives. In fact, there may be an immeasurable amount to gain!

Be well,

Life balance... can we really achieve it?

There's a great post floating around Facebook.  It is a triangle, with the points marked "happy kids,"  "clean house," and "your sanity."  It says "Pick 2!"  It gave me a good laugh, but also reminded me that most of us do NOT want to limit ourselves to "just" 2!

When many hear the word "balance," they may picture 2 sides of a scale, resting evenly. More often, the concept of "balance" is applied to our lives... as in we have NO balance! The demands of work, home, and relationships make it difficult to feel like we have it all.

Is "balance" in life really achievable?  I encourage people to look at balance as being "fluid." That is, picture the 2 sides of the scale moving up and down evenly.  This indicates that the scale is "balanced," without waiting for it to come to a complete stop.

Family life today requires us to conceptualize balance in "motion."  There needs to be a degree of flexibility, and some prioritizing as well.  Kids today are enrolled in more extra curricular activities than in generations past.  Who is shuttling them to their activities?  The parents! Many of whom are both working full-time. Weekends can be consumed by tournaments and competitions.  The concept of "family dinner"  is now often contained to take-out.  Add to this the school work commitments, and the week can be very overwhelming.

However, before parenthood, parents were individuals, with individual interests and activities.  It is important to maintain a connection with those components of our identities. Although this sounds good in "theory," it only adds to the overwhelm of a packed week!

That's where the concept of "balance in motion" comes in to play.  We are the primary role models for our children.  We need to show them what "balance" looks like. It does not need to be "all or nothing."  Making it to the gym twice per week may not be the same as the 5 times per week when you were childless, but it is absolutely  better than no workouts.  The idea of a "clean" house may seem like a silly fantasy.  However, being able to involve kids in cleaning gives them a sense of responsibility and connection to the family home. Yes, it will not be as good as when you do it, but it will be "good enough."   Parents also need to look at the number of activities they have their children enrolled in.  Two teams, plus music lessons, may be too much for the family's schedule, and it may well be too much for the child as well! We want our kids to learn about prioritizing and making choices.

We may not be able to have perfect balance, but we should be able to feel like we have a connection to the priorities in our lives.

Be well,