Holiday tradition...or holiday ritual?

At this time of year, there is a lot of discussion of holiday "traditions."  Some families do the same routines each year.  However, for families that are in transition, it often becomes necessary to create new traditions.  It can be difficult, for adults and children alike, to be flexible with this.   

Sometimes there may be a family member who would like to try something new, and other family members resist the change.  It can become a source of resentment and conflict.   This is where the difference between tradition and ritual may be pertinent.

Personally, I have always explained to our girls that although what we do for an individual holiday may vary from year to year, the emphasis on being together is a constant.  The focus shifts to what our family values, and allows for room to alter how those values are honored.

According to differencebetween.com: 

• Tradition is a generic term that encompasses a wide variety of things and concepts that are handed down by one generation to another.

• Ritual is an act or a series of acts that are performed or observed in a society on occasions, events, festivals, and ceremonies. These rituals have a symbolic value and also have a religious basis.

• So a handshake to greet others is a ritual, while the practice to honor and respect the seniors is a tradition.

However your holiday plans play out, I hope you enjoy time with those you hold near and dear.

Measuring the Pressure

Every family has one... at least one, sometimes two.  Every family has a "barometer."  

The family barometer is quite often a child... quite often a "difficult" child.  That is usually how I come to meet them.  They are the defiant kids, pushing every limit.  They are the withdrawn kids, hesitant to engage.  Either way, they are the kids that get pulled into therapy, with exasperated parents pleading for me to "fix" this.  

The barometer is typically someone who is sensitive, and in tune with the rhythm of the family.  While they inadvertently contribute to the stress in the family, they are simply reacting to the tension that is already there.

It can be a relief for the "problem child" to hear positive feedback about his or her behavior. I often praise them for bringing the tension in the home to the forefront, where it can finally be addressed.  Parents typically feel a sense of relief as well, as they shift their focus to the overall functioning of the family system, and the well-being of each family member.

When families are experiencing transition or stress, someone will undoubtedly react to the change. Even positive changes, such as the birth of a child or moving to a new home, can result in acting-out behavior. Most often, it is a temporary situation, and things shift back to "normal."  However, when the stress is chronic, the reaction becomes chronic as well.

Acknowledging the "benefit" of the problematic behavior does not immediately "resolve" it, but that re-frame is a great starting point!

The Power of Positivity

The power of positive thought is often debated.  Some equate positive thinking with "ignoring" the reality of situations.  Others view it as being similar to simply "hoping" for the best. Some people have a pessimistic mindset as they move through life.  They expect the worst from people, and expect bad things to happen. Oddly enough, their life experiences are typically consistent with this message. When something is wrong, these individuals are quick to complain, and are the first to point out flaws in any possible solution.  

Yet, people who utilize the power of positive thought typically feel that the benefits are clear. However, the benefit is something that is hard to describe.  It's difficult to "convince" someone that they should try looking for the positives in negative situations.  Yet, for people who are struggling through depression, the desperation of wanting to feel better is often a catalyst for them to try new things.  

I encourage my clients who are experiencing mood issues to try implementing a daily "positivity practice."   It is fairly simple, and can be done discreetly:

1.  In the morning, before getting out of bed, think of one thing that you are looking forward to for the day.

2.  At mid-day/lunch, think of one thing that has gone well so far for the day.  Ideally, this should be something that you were part of making happen.

3.  At bedtime, think of one thing for which you are grateful.  It can be a "global" thing, and does not need to be related to your day.

I believe that sometimes our brains can get "locked" in a negative pattern.  As a result, when we look at daily life, we see negative events and issues.  With training, we can increase our awareness of the positives that are also present.  Most clients who incorporate a positivity practice feel that it is beneficial, even if it is just in the short-term.

In the great scheme of things, there is nothing to lose by looking for the positives. In fact, there may be an immeasurable amount to gain!

Be well,

Life balance... can we really achieve it?

There's a great post floating around Facebook.  It is a triangle, with the points marked "happy kids,"  "clean house," and "your sanity."  It says "Pick 2!"  It gave me a good laugh, but also reminded me that most of us do NOT want to limit ourselves to "just" 2!

When many hear the word "balance," they may picture 2 sides of a scale, resting evenly. More often, the concept of "balance" is applied to our lives... as in we have NO balance! The demands of work, home, and relationships make it difficult to feel like we have it all.

Is "balance" in life really achievable?  I encourage people to look at balance as being "fluid." That is, picture the 2 sides of the scale moving up and down evenly.  This indicates that the scale is "balanced," without waiting for it to come to a complete stop.

Family life today requires us to conceptualize balance in "motion."  There needs to be a degree of flexibility, and some prioritizing as well.  Kids today are enrolled in more extra curricular activities than in generations past.  Who is shuttling them to their activities?  The parents! Many of whom are both working full-time. Weekends can be consumed by tournaments and competitions.  The concept of "family dinner"  is now often contained to take-out.  Add to this the school work commitments, and the week can be very overwhelming.

However, before parenthood, parents were individuals, with individual interests and activities.  It is important to maintain a connection with those components of our identities. Although this sounds good in "theory," it only adds to the overwhelm of a packed week!

That's where the concept of "balance in motion" comes in to play.  We are the primary role models for our children.  We need to show them what "balance" looks like. It does not need to be "all or nothing."  Making it to the gym twice per week may not be the same as the 5 times per week when you were childless, but it is absolutely  better than no workouts.  The idea of a "clean" house may seem like a silly fantasy.  However, being able to involve kids in cleaning gives them a sense of responsibility and connection to the family home. Yes, it will not be as good as when you do it, but it will be "good enough."   Parents also need to look at the number of activities they have their children enrolled in.  Two teams, plus music lessons, may be too much for the family's schedule, and it may well be too much for the child as well! We want our kids to learn about prioritizing and making choices.

We may not be able to have perfect balance, but we should be able to feel like we have a connection to the priorities in our lives.

Be well,

Surviving Cabin Fever

New England has seen record amounts of snowfall this year, and there is no end in sight!  
Somehow, the novelty of a "snow day" wears off quickly when you have snow day after snow day after snow day!

Although it looks pretty as it is falling, snow becomes a mess when you are trying to navigate roads (and parking lots!)  Commute times are lengthened and patience runs short.

First and foremost, we must wonder WHY we put ourselves through this!  Frigid temperatures, ice, and snow do not add up to most people's idea of a "good time!"

But then again, maybe it does add up.... This is one of the best ski seasons in our region. Yes, skiing is expensive (but then again, so is therapy- LOL!).   Sledding, ice skating, building snow forts... these are not activities just for "kids!"  (and they are pretty low-cost!) Winter is a great time to get outside and be active (provided that the temperature is not -10 with the windchill factor!).

"Embracing" winter and all that it has to offer is easier than "hibernating" through it.  I think the hibernation component is a contributing factor to Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). This is a very real condition, and can be debilitating for some people.

Commonly referred to as the "winter blues," SAD impacts as many as a half-million people each winter.  Of interest, women experience SAD at higher percentages than men, and (obviously?) people who live further from the equator are at higher risk.  So, short of moving (or having a gender change operation), what can one do to manage symptoms such as irritable and/or anxious mood, sleep changes, carbohydrate cravings, and feelings of sadness?

Regular exercise is important. Indoor exercise is beneficial, but outdoor activity offers the added bonus of fresh air!  (Yes, I am giving another shameless "plug" for skiing!) Maintaining a consistent sleep schedule (even on weekends!) is helpful in battling fatigue. Research has also shown that increasing Vitamin D intake is helpful with mood support. However, I am not a physician, so speak to your doctor about these options.

For more serious cases of SAD, people have had positive results with light box therapy. The light mimics natural sunlight, which seems to help with mood.  Although these are available for purchase on the internet, it is still a good idea to speak with your doctor before trying this option.  And, since you are already speaking with your doctor, you may want to discuss if anti-depressant medication could be an appropriate treatment option.  Many people take this type of medication during the winter months.

Finally, I would be remiss if I did not mention therapy as a great treatment option for SAD. At a minimum, it results in getting you outside to get to your appointment- lol!  Therapy can be helpful in providing strategies for dealing with mood issues, and also provides a level of "accountability" in how you are following through with utilizing those tools. However, my ultimate dream job is to become the "skiing therapist!" (Yes, that is my FINAL "plug" for skiing!)

Be well,


    

Contemporary Parenting

Parenting in the Technological Age

As a parent of 2 girls, ages 13 and (almost) 12, I struggle with the fact that my daughters know more about technology than I do.  I am part of the first generation of parents who are guiding children through situations for which we have no frame of reference.  

Yes, every generation presents with new parenting challenges for adults. However, let's be honest... sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll have always been around.  The internet, social media, and texting have brought parenting to a whole new level of intensity.  Sadly, many of us are not as knowledgeable as we "should" be, and certainly most of us are less knowledgeable than our kids! 

The internet allows us to access information that we never imagined would be available to us.  However, with that freedom comes responsibility.  Our young people are able to access the world from a computer, tablet, or phone.  We are no longer readily able to "screen" the people with whom they interact.

Yet, I see parents who also use technology as a "crutch."  There is no need to meet your child's friends and their parents, as you can simply do an online background check on anyone. Parents utilize "tracking" systems on their kids' phones as a way to monitor where they are.

Although technology offers convenience and enhancement, I worry that it is becoming so powerful that it could replace traditional parenting techniques, such as asking the Who, What, Where, When, Why and How? questions before young people go out.  These same questions need to be applied to internet connections and "friendships."

I am also concerned about the implications for communication between family members and friends.  Kids can access just about any information on the internet. (Truth be told, there is certainly some convenience when it comes to researching for school projects!) Asking their parents (or other adults) difficult questions is something that can essentially be avoided.  I think this is a missed opportunity to "connect" with our kids. They can also receive information that is not aligned with what we would want them to know. There are social implications as well. Our young people are eager to "Face Time" their friends, without actually having "face time!" The ritual of "hanging out" with friends has become theoretical.  Even when they are together, young people are often more focused on their phones than on their company.

There are also potential long-term ramifications for kids who may "post" questionable or inappropriate content.  Kids do not necessarily have the cognitive capacity to understand how something that they "share" as an adolescent could potentially impact their options for college or careers. Stories of cyber-bullying are rampant.  Although "bullying" is not a new concept, the idea that children are unable to "escape" their tormentors is.  

Parents often feel powerless in managing their children's exposure to technology.  I think it is beneficial to lead by example.  Meals should be "technology free" for everyone (Yes, for you too...even if you are expecting that important work call!)  Utilizing stories of internet "incidents" can be an opportunity to begin conversations about safe and responsible internet use.

Utilizing parental control software and knowing your child's passwords are also helpful tools in maintaining safety.  However, please know that kids are well aware of ways to "outsmart the system!"  Kids will have "alternate" social media profiles that they access when they are with friends (Yup, the friends who have parents who are not monitoring their kid's internet use!)

Technology is obviously not going "away."  However, like many things, it has its time and place. The key is to let technology enhance, not replace, your relationship with your kids.

Certainly, the impact of technology on parenting is an on-going conversation. 



p.s. YES! my 13-year-old helped with setting up this blog!