Say This, Not That

Today was the day.  There was an incident that became the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back."  As a result, I am now venturing into writing a more specific blog series. I've talked about doing this, on and off, for over 3 years. Somehow, the unsolicited parenting advice that I received today has inspired me to finally just.do.it.

As a clinician (and as a person living in the real world), I am aware of some of the outrageous, insensitive, and thoughtless things that people say to others during times of vulnerability.  I am realizing that people often don't know what to say.  However, instead of acknowledging their lack of a response, they offer a stream of consciousness "ramble."

Very often, the unsolicited advice is harmless.  However, there are many times when this type of advice is hurtful.  I often remind clients that the insensitive feedback they may receive from strangers/family/friends/colleagues is more often reflective of those individuals and their own issues, and not the issue at hand.

So, today, I was sharing some of what we are dealing with in regard to a health issue for one of my daughters.  It was not a dramatic tale, and I certainly did not indicate that I was looking for any type of guidance in addressing this. However, without hesitation, an acquaintance urged me to "just ignore it."  I was a bit stunned, but managed to smile and tried to play off the intrusion.

Yet, this person could not let it go.  A short time later, this individual shared a personal parent-child interaction, and stated that the behavior/issue was "ignored."  Without missing a beat, this individual added, "just like you should do with your daughter."  

My retort was a quick, "I really think that I have the parenting piece of life under control, thank you." 

I acknowledge that I am a bit of a "mama bear" when it comes to my girls- LOL! I sat with this for a while, wondering why I felt "defensive."  Ultimately, I think that I felt blind-sided. I truly believe that this person's intention was to be "helpful." However, the dismissive attitude toward the nature of the struggle, as well as my experience, was hurtful.  Based on the comment, I know that the response was more reflective of this person's own insecurity in handling issues in the parent-child realm.

What would have been helpful?  Some validation.  A simple, "that sounds complex.  I hope it works out."  would have been an ideal response.  

So, I am now venturing into a new domain...a cross between Dear Abby and Miss Manners... to help people discover better ways to address the unsolicited "pearls of wisdom" that they receive, and hopefully, help people learn to "say this, not that!"